I suddenly saw myself as if in a dream. I was an indistinct shape which was moving with purpose toward something I could not see. I knew this indistinct shape to be me though my physical appearance was not obvious. I also knew and I felt absolute peacefulness as I moved toward an unseen destination. Suddenly, something came quickly from behind me and before I even knew what was happening, with swift intention it attacked, covering me entirely with its ferocious energy. I felt the intense calculation and implementation of the attack. I was the surprised prey brought down by an experienced and malicious predator. In one movement I was completely overtaken by this entity. It had just one purpose and that was to cover me with its own self. I did not stand a chance. In an instant, I could not see myself at all, as I was beneath this vigorous power. Even though I was in a dreamlike state, I could feel my terror and I felt completely powerless to do anything about what was happening. I was surprised that I was so overwhelmed with the supremacy of the attack. I could not muster my will to struggle against it. Strange, that at this realization, I felt my ego pop up and can remember feeling chagrined that something had come along that could totally take me down so much that I could not offer an ounce of resistance. I sunk into the inevitability of my defeat.
Suddenly, something else appeared in one swoosh of energy. It fell upon the predator and in as effective a move as the attacker, threw my assailant off of me and out of my mind’s view. In an instant I was free from its grasp. I was immediately free to move again. I slowly began to stir. At that moment all the images disappeared. I awoke shaken and fearful and also deeply affected because I had never felt I had someone that would protect me with such forceful power, amazing strength and clear intention. When I awakened entirely, I began to look for an explanation. It was either I had experienced an energetic attack of some sort and that I had been protected by a type of warrior energy that I had not realized existed or the whole thing could be explained by a Freudian psychologist who understood the mental configurations a person might experience when she is beginning a deep awakening of her authentic nature.
Being attacked was a familiar feeling. I had long realized my childhood taught me that no matter how hard I tried to overcome my circumstances, there was something that would eventually get me and take me down. This belief is something many victims of abuse or others who have had a rough beginning carry with them as a truth. For me, there was an added family mythology of a Spanish curse being carried by the maternal side of my family. My mother’s mother was murdered while I was in the seventh month in my mother’s womb. My mother’s father died of an overdose alone in a hotel in Florida. It was ruled an accident. My mother’s sister died from cirrhosis of the liver in a mental institution. My mother was murdered by one of her johns when I was fourteen and she was thirty one. I carried a molded fear within me that all my efforts to transcend the muck of my heritage would in the end be declared futile. With work, getting sober and attention I whittled the fear down to a manageable size but like most beliefs, size does not matter. It is the potency of the belief that affects the outcome of a life. A fear that has been crystalized into a concentrated belief can easily be revived when that belief is threatened. In this case I had recently begun to desire a fulfillment of some of my deepest dreams. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to have a home. I wanted an intimate partner that I could trust. I was on the verge of having all of these things. I had completed my novel and had bought land with my life-mate with the plans to eventually build a home. This was the first time in my life that all these things had come together. I was beginning to wake up to my possibility and my connection to that possibility and yet I was afraid. To paraphrase Rilke’s metaphor of fear, the beginning of my awakening had stirred the dragons guarding my deepest treasures. I think that as I laid there that day, my potent fear that I could not really overcome my childhood no matter how things looked on the surface was activated as they always had been when I made some headway on my personal endeavors. It was old story for me being played out in an energetic waking state where my shadow self became a vicious attacker and my identity as victim felt completely unable to resist the force of the attack.
But something happened that afternoon. I was able to witness myself and feel myself being concisely protected by something bigger than my belief about myself. It was larger than the curse and much more potent than the fear of never being able to transcend my childhood. The energy that rescued me from my predator was swift, purposeful and amazingly astute at annihilating an enemy. I had the feeling that this energy had a specific purpose for its existence and that was to protect me. This was yet another experience that would open my world into the possibility of unseen energy forces willing to be dynamically involved in my physical life. Or maybe, it was both. Maybe it is true that we all have warrior protectors that have agreed to be with us on this earthly journey. It sure felt like it was something that was beyond my conscious ability to create as it came with such force and completely unsolicited as I did not even know that this kind of protection was available. Or maybe it was indeed a combination of this and having taken many steps toward my possibility finally reaching a crucial momentum that invited my higher self to be more actively engaged in my journey.
Excerpt From Finding My Soul Stride by Vickie Spray
©Vickie Spray 2013