Your Life Expressions

I discard the constraints of fear that I have inherited from my culture, my family, and my own small thinking. I choose which thoughts I will entertain and which thoughts I will automatically shun in my effort to keep open a channel for joy. I open my eyes to the flower that will bloom only on this day knowing this keeps my heart open always. When my heart is open, my soul celebrates the blossoming of one human into its fullness. My fullness is added to the river that connects me to all things.

I am aware there are horrendous acts of human against human happening in every minute in every day. It has always been thus. I will not partake in those interactions. I work toward my inner peace. I accept people for who they are and I forgive when I can and try hard to overcome my resistance to forgiving when I detect its presence. I volunteer and donate where I am able and leave the rest to Life. I breathe in the abundant beauty that surrounds me and do not take for granted the kindness of strangers.

I become larger and the world becomes more capable of offering safety, peace and wisdom to it inhabitants. I provide a yes to the river of collective consciousness and tap into the many “Yes’s” of others. I gain strength from the positive choices of those on the steady path to enlightenment.

I can love, from a distance, when someone’s personality does not fit my life. I can hold that love and honor that love with the full understanding that they rest within the same Life as I and have a purpose they are attempting to fulfill. I am irrevocably connected to the life that resides within them. I practice bowing to the life within them.

Sometimes my agreement to live fully will be with a raised fist of defiance and other times a quiet nod of acceptance. It is a conscious choice that rides my ability to trust. I am a Spiritual Being in human form on an earthly journey.

I have hurt others while on this journey and I am sorry for the pain I have caused. Others have hurt me while on their own adventure on this earth. It is inevitable that our respective weaknesses would sting the other. It is not inevitable that I would conjure up an opinion concerning anyone’s worth because of the weaknesses. I release my grip on the negative reaction to another person’s or my actions and open myself to the peace that can replace that counter to peace.

My eyes are not as caked-over with dust and I can see…a little more clearly.

It seems strange to me that the time I set aside to seek a more purposeful way to make a living has turned into a deeper walk within my spiritual Self. And then, like anything, there is the counter response to that surprise as though to say, “Of course, this stepping out into the abyss would take you to a new place in your inner sanctum.”

Pain, joy, gratitude, the unknown, uncertainty, contradictions, stillness, and silence are paths to Spirit. I have had my share of all those energy-filled adjectives and nouns in these last six months of exploration. There have been moments of absolute wonder and deeply felt love from a Universe that is often quiet. In the beginning of this journey I felt that silence was a sign of the absence of Source. Now, I almost always remember that it is a sign of Its presence.

My journey toward work that is satisfying and one of service did not manifest itself in these six months and I am saddened by this. I so wanted to delve into the possibility of finding a heart-centered vocation that did not steal my life-affirming energy but fed it, one that did not undermine my passion for writing but energized it, one that did not clog my life with mundane hours of mediocrity, but infused my time with purpose and life-changing acts of kindness.

My search is not over. The crazy work-world that we have in America might become influenced by Europe’s attitude toward how people can make a living without eating in their cars on the way to work.

I have returned to my writing in a way that is more influenced by my spiritual walk. I am curious to see how that plays out. If I was going to abandon my need to write, I would have done it in these six months as the world of viral marketing and business networking can chew passion up and spit it out almost as quickly as a nine to five office job.

I will continue my workshops as there appears to be an interest in them and healing has been facilitated, it seems. I will speak where I am asked to speak and will leave myself open to that still small voice that has changed my life during others times of exploration.
I think I might be slightly better at hearing that voice than I was and my eyes are clearer to see the promptings of that voice than they were…even six months ago.
Copyright Vickie Spray 2009

My friend Robin calls her the warrior self. It is the part of my psyche that rushes to guard me from those things and people she perceives as potentially harmful. Her purpose is to protect me from anything she senses might be a threat. The thing is, besides the normal dangers of dark alleys and scary drivers on the interstate, any movement on my part toward the wide yonder of promise brings her out in full force. The unknown is a huge threat and she must keep me from it at all cost. There is no telling what might happen in the unknown.

She runs to the front and stations herself between me and the threat the minute she senses my move toward an unknown direction in my life, no matter how glorious and promising it may appear. I can be feeling hope, wonderment and joy at a new prospect for prosperity and fulfillment and she obviously feels like all of these emotions must be shut down and rearranged into a blockade for the sake of safety. I am often filled with joy at the possibilities of my life’s journey! My life is so full of promise right now but little is known about the practical manifestation of that great promise. These very feelings of expansion with the unknown possibilities in the horizon call out my warrior and she runs positioning herself strategically between me and those possibilities.

Her stance is strong and secure after many years of protecting me from the messes I have walked toward and into in the past. She stands there, steady and strong between me and whatever that future possibility might be. She is very, very good at her job. She has kept me out of danger on many occasions. In the past, my hurt self was drawn to people who were living from their own hurt places and we fed each other’s pain but I was never devoured. She was there. She is fast, efficient, and a powerful foe.

Her inability to discriminate between threat and possibility is becoming a liability to my dream of living my full potential. Any movement from the still waters of lived experience into unlived experience is a threat to her. She effectively shuts down my forward movement toward my purpose. I have said I want to live fully without reservation and I want to live by my Spirit. My Spirit moves toward amazing people, places and yes, unknown possibilities, and here she comes, ready for battle. My Spirit, at that moment stops its movement toward great promise as it never will trespass against the choices of my will. My warrior stands there on duty until all feelings of forward movement halt and has steadied itself back into the safety of known-ness. My Spirit rest in a respectful position of acceptance until it is time to try and fulfill its purpose. I am left watching all this with growing frustration.

I have begun the process of interceding. When my emotions expand into the joy of possibility, which is her alarm bell, and I feel her running toward the front of me as my great protector, I place my hands on her shoulders and steer her back to me in a place of acceptance and trust. I direct her to stand there and watch my Spirit take us to the new places of our potential. The Spirit of ourselves is leading both of us into that new place and it can be trusted to take us safely and gloriously into the open and thriving field of destiny. It is here that I have wanted to reach and she has served her purpose very well indeed. It is time now for her to integrate into the safe place of Me. Her job is done.